


this is when the feeling sinks in (i don't wanna miss you like this)

by littleluthor



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, kara brings her back home, lena stays with sam for a while, post reveal fic, taylor swift and supercorp angst is always a dangerous combination, they get their happy ending though of course
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2020-04-23 04:52:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19143940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleluthor/pseuds/littleluthor
Summary: Kara Danvers is Supergirl.Four words, that’s all they were. Four simple words, that’s all it took for Lena’s entire world to come crashing down around her. Boxes pushed so far back onto shelves inside her mind, long forgotten aches and pains that survived only inside the darkest parts of her memory had been completely shattered and brought to light as Lena had sobbed and pleaded to whichever deity was listening to turn back the clock, for this not to be her current reality, to make the pain go away and go back to how things were a mere few seconds before.





	this is when the feeling sinks in (i don't wanna miss you like this)

 

 

_Kara Danvers is Supergirl._

 

Four words, that’s all they were. Four simple words were all it took for Lena’s entire world to come crashing down around her. Boxes pushed so far back onto shelves inside her mind, long forgotten aches and pains that survived only inside the darkest parts of her memory had been completely shattered and brought to light as Lena had sobbed and pleaded to whichever deity was listening to turn back the clock, for this not to be her current reality, to make the pain go away and go back to how things were a mere few seconds before.

 

The crippling ache of betrayal in her chest was unlike anything that she had ever felt before in her entire life. While her upbringing had been a painful one, it was never a shock to Lena. Lillian had never been subtle about her dislike of Lena. Lex had gradually gone insane and Lena had witnessed the whole thing, once again extremely painful but not surprising to her. She had loved her family in their own strange dysfunctional way, but the one real, true love of her life had been the family that she had found within Kara Danvers.

 

Not the type of family that you’re born into and are forced to endure. A _real_  family, one where instead of tearing one another down they lifted one another up. One where Lena never once felt judged for her last name, and one where she would never ever judge in return. The type of family that loved without conditions and genuinely wanted nothing but the absolute best for one another simply because they cared, no ulterior motives. It was a family that had been built around her, it didn’t just form overnight. It happened through an accumulation of game nights and group dinners, slowly getting to know one another and gradually adding people in. Lena thought for sure that Alex would have been the hardest to warm up to her, but it turned out the eldest Danvers sister had quickly grown to become one of her very best friends, and if Lena had subtly dropped hints between Alex and Sam after introducing the two of them in an attempt to get them together, well then that was her business. Overall it was something that she had never experienced before, a group of people with nothing but unconditional love for one another.

 

Or at least, that’s what Lena had thought. In the span of ten seconds her entire family had been torn away from her, every single one of her memories left tainted with a dark shadow, and in it’s place remained a large gaping hole in her heart that, in the moment, she wasn’t sure would ever heal.

 

Lena was unable to focus when she showed up at game night a few days later. She had gone through a bottle and a half of the wine that she had brought as well as a good few glasses of scotch and had barely been able to make conversation with anyone. She had thought that she could push it down, forget about what Lex had revealed to her and try, for her own sake, to save her family, but once she got there and glanced around the room at every single person who had betrayed her, who was _still_ betraying her, it was just too difficult to stay and fight for it.

 

Was she truly _that_ untrustworthy? Had everyone gotten close to her simply to keep an eye on her? Lena could feel her heart breaking in her chest and the sheer amount of alcohol that she had consumed that evening definitely wasn’t helping matters at all. All she could think about was leaving, going home and burying her face into her pillow until she cried herself to sleep just as she had been doing ever since she had found out. Lena was so detached from the room that she didn’t even realize she had abruptly stood up in the middle of Alex’s charades round until everyone turned their attention to her.

 

“I- I’m gonna head out.” she pointed in what she assumed was the vague direction of the door.

 

“Do you wanna stay at my place tonight?” Kara asked just as she always did after game night regardless of who’s place they were at.

 

“No, I’m just.. I’m gonna go home.” Lena half slurred as she tried to fight the rising urge to cry at the pain she currently felt in her chest.

 

“You can’t drive.” Kara smiled sympathetically. She had been aware that Lena wasn’t quite herself since the moment that she had stepped in the door and her heartbeat had sounded a little off. “I’ll take you home.” she made to reach out an arm for Lena, to wrap it around her waist like she always did before taking a slightly intoxicated version of her home, but when Lena sharply pulled away as though she had been burned by Kara’s hand, Kara let her arms fall down to her side and desperately scanned over Lena’s face in an attempt to work out what was wrong.

 

“I’ll take a c- cab or call m- my driver.” Lena half slurred, half hiccuped in her direction before abruptly stumbling out of the room, leaving Kara and everyone else frozen in confusion.

 

“I’m gonna go help her out.” Kara smiled sadly before she followed Lena out into the street. “Hey!” she called out as she watched Lena fumble over her phone.

 

“I can’t get this.. stupid.. thing.. to work!” Lena called out in frustration as she shook the phone in her hands in an attempt to get it to function, although it was abundantly clear that the phone wasn’t the problem.

 

“Hey, hey let me help you.” Kara told her softly as she reached out, only to have Lena pull her phone away from Kara’s grasp, resulting in it flying from her hand and smashing on the pavement. “Oh crap! Lena, I- I’m sorry.” Kara rambled as she reached down to salvage what was left of the screen.

 

“I’ll just walk.” Lena slurred as she took off stumbling down the street without her phone.

 

Kara felt panicked as she watched the whole thing unfold, completely unsure of what to do. Her heart ached seeing Lena in so much distress, knowing that there was seemingly nothing that she could do to help her. Lena clearly didn’t want to be touched and so Kara settled on the only thing that she could think of in that moment. She followed along right behind her as Lena began the walk home, Kara knew it was impossible for her to get to the whole other side of the city on foot, especially in her current state, but she refused to leave Lena alone, simply following close behind to make sure that nothing happened to her as she sent off a text message to Lena’s driver and a rough idea of their probable location for him arriving.

 

Kara couldn’t fully relax even when Lena’s driver arrived. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust him to get her home safe, he had been driving Lena around for years and was someone who she would actually consider to be a friend. It was just that Kara wanted to be the one to make sure that Lena was home safe and tucked up in bed, she didn’t feel one hundred percent confident otherwise.

 

* * *

 

The moment between being asleep and being awake. The split second where the only thing that registered in her mind was the incredible softness of her bed sheets and the warmth that had built up beneath the covers during the night. Lena craved that feeling every single night before she went to sleep and she craved it all day long whilst she was awake. That moment was the only time that she could forget about what happened, it was the closest thing to feeling peace that she had felt ever since Lex had uttered those four words to her, but every single morning, just like clockwork, the betrayal and pain and heartbreak came rushing back to her. Her eyes ached from crying and the tip of her nose was red and irritated from constantly wiping at it with her hands, her sleeves, a tissue, anything that was within arms reach when she cried.

 

Lena had barely any recollection of the events of the previous night, although the overwhelming pounding in her skull indicated that she had most likely blacked out. She wondered how many of her  so called friends had tried to cut her off from drinking, she wondered how she got home and who had helped her into her pajamas. She knew it was most likely Kara, no one else knew where she kept her fuzzy socks and a quick feel around the mattress confirmed that she had been wearing them when she had fallen asleep and kicked them off like she always did during the night when she got too warm.

 

The thought of the whole thing made her feel nauseous and she was suddenly fighting the urge to start crying again, the burning behind her eyes now a familiar feeling. Had Kara decided that Lena was too drunk to remember anything and simply flown her home? Had she used her super speed to get Lena ready for bed? Lena’s heart shattered at the thought.

 

She hadn’t really processed much of anything if she was being honest. Lena hadn’t allowed herself to think of specifics because when she did, when her mind slipped and reminded her of something specific, of a specific moment where Supergirl had said something hurtful to her or did something that went against the friendship that they had once shared, it made her heart ache so much that she wasn’t able to function.

 

Lena tried her very best to shut her feelings off, she drowned them out with alcohol as best as she could. Unfortunately her feelings were like a stray spider in a bathtub. You could try to rinse it away, only for them to curl up and allow the water to take them temporarily. They always came back though. The alcohol left her system, and the spiders uncurled and crawled back up the drain and into the bathtub once more. Lena felt as though she was suffocating and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t seem to breathe.

 

Everywhere she looked there were reminders of Kara. The blanket that she had slept with every single night for the last three years had been a birthday gift, it was a little wonky and Lena suspected that the exact shape hadn’t quite been invented yet, but Lena had loved it because it had been hand knitted for her by Kara. The couch that held so many memories from lazy weekends, to game nights, to watching movies and eating junk food. Her chess trophies on the shelves that she had so proudly shown off to Kara. Everything. Everywhere she turned. Kara. Kara. Kara.

 

It had only been a few days but it was becoming too overwhelming for Lena to function. She had thought that maybe if she saw everyone then she would be able to pack her feelings away and just get on with things, but she had been terribly mistaken. She couldn’t think clearly, she couldn’t process the whole thing and work out where her mind was at. She just couldn’t do it. Not here, not in the apartment that held so many memories, not in the city where every street, every restaurant and coffee shop had once been a safe space for Lena to hide away with her very best friend. Not here. Not here. Not here.

 

* * *

 

_I’m the new owner._

 

Four words, that’s all they were. Four simple words, that’s all it took for Kara’s entire world to come crashing down around her. It had been a month since she had last seen Lena. A whole entire month since she had tucked her up into bed after game night, left some water and painkillers on her bedside table and gently closed the door on her way out.

 

Since then Lena had completely ignored her texts, her phone calls, her emails, her everything. She had stopped showing up to game nights, movie nights, dinners and Kara’s heart was breaking in her chest more and more with each passing day. She had assumed that it was because of Lex. She had technically been responsible for killing him, and while Lex hadn’t exactly been good, he was the only family that Lena had left and Kara knew that pain better than anyone else. She had lived it when her aunt Astra had died, and she knew back then that she had needed some time and space to heal, which is what she was trying to do for Lena despite how much it hurt.

 

In theory it made sense, but it just didn’t sit right with Kara’s heart. God, she missed Lena. It was killing her thinking of Lena being so hurt as a consequence of her actions, not that she would go back and change anything, just as Alex wouldn’t have with Astra. It hadn’t made Kara love her big sister any less, but that didn’t mean it hadn’t ached for a long time. Now, she ached to be there for Lena, to hold her and let her cry if she needed to, to listen as she spilled her heart out, to help her heal from the loss.

 

She had thought that all Lena needed was some time away from everything, and then she would come back. They would talk things through, pick up where they left off and things would go back to normal. She wouldn’t have to miss Lena so much, her heart wouldn’t ache for her anymore, but now she was standing face to face with a woman claiming to be the new owner of Catco. Lena wouldn’t really just up and sell the company, would she? She wouldn’t do something like that without telling Kara first, would she?

 

Kara’s heart was pounding in her ears as the news fully registered in her mind. She had truly believed with every single part of her soul that Lena would be returning soon, which is why she gave her so much space, but now she felt as though she had been plunged into a vat of ice cold water as she desperately tried not to let the panic overcome her. She had made a mistake. She shouldn’t have abandoned Lena.

 

She had to talk to her. She had to find her and see her and talk to her. Surely there had been some sort of mix up or something. Surely Lena hadn’t meant to sell the only real thing keeping her tethered to National City. Surely she wasn’t planning on actually staying away, wherever she was. Kara didn’t know what she was sure of anymore, all she knew was that she had to see Lena.

 

It felt important. It felt as though she was on the brink of something huge that was about to explode in her face. It felt like a make or break moment in her life. She fought desperately against the overwhelming panic still bubbling up inside of her as she calmly walked out of the building before shooting off into the sky once she was out of sight of everyone in the street.

 

* * *

 

_I’m really sorry, Lena._

__

Four words that Sam half whispered as she entered the kitchen and flashed Lena an apologetic smile that was met with instant confusion.

 

“Wha- Why are you sorry?” Lena asked as she set her coffee mug down onto the table where she had been sitting reading over the new program she had buried herself in for L-Corp and turned to give Sam her full attention.

 

She was only confused for a split second. Sam stepped to the side and Lena’s confusion quickly turned into overwhelming panic, anxiety flooded her insides so abruptly and threatened to manifest in the form of Lena doubled over the toilet bowl emptying what little she had eaten today as her fight or flight instincts kicked in. The sight before her was the very last thing that she had been expecting. Her heart was pounding painfully hard in her chest and her brain completely blanked for a second.

 

“I- Uh, I need to head out now if I don’t want to be late for Ruby’s soccer game.” Sam flashed her yet another apologetic smile before rushing out of the kitchen as quickly as she possibly could.

 

Lena couldn’t blame Sam for the current situation that she had found herself in. She hadn’t told her the whole story, hadn’t really been able to on the first night even if she had wanted to. Lena had shown up at Sam’s door red eyed and a completely distraught almost four weeks ago, and like the great friend that she is, Sam had held her the whole night and allowed Lena to cry to her hearts content despite the fact that she seemed extremely hesitant to talk about what was very clearly distressing her.

 

All that Sam had been able to gather was that Lena and Kara seemed to have gotten into a pretty intense fight. She had never seen Lena so broken up about anything in all the years that they had known one another and if she was being honest, she was concerned about her. Lena Luthor was one of the strongest women that Sam knew, and it was painfully clear as the weeks went on that she really needed to talk about whatever had happened instead of attempting to bury herself in work. If it wasn’t Sam that she spoke to then it had to be with someone, and so, when Alex had gotten in touch and asked if there was any way that Kara could come and visit Lena, Sam had been extremely relieved and told Alex that she was welcome whenever she wanted to stop by.

 

Lena could feel herself crumbling as she took in the sight of the woman standing before her in the middle of Sam’s kitchen, and it had been the exact reason that she had chosen to run. One look into Kara’s desperate, pleading eyes and the walls that she had hastily attempted to build up were already threatening to come tumbling down. Her throat burned like she had downed a shot of expensive scotch and her lungs had emptied of all air the moment that she saw her.

 

“Lena..” Kara whispered quietly, as though if she spoke any louder then Lena would take off running in the opposite direction like a spooked deer.

 

“W-..” Lena half croaked, clearing her throat quickly before speaking up again. “What are you doing here?” she asked as she protectively wrapped her arms around herself and kept her eyes glued to the floor.

 

“You sold Catco?” Kara asked and, while Lena couldn’t see her face, she knew that she was crying from the way that her voice broke ever so slightly. “I- Is it because of me? Because of what I did to Lex? I’m so sorry Lena, truly I am. You have to understand that I had no other choice. I know that he was your family, but I’m your family too and I assumed that you needed space and time which is why I gave it to you, but I __miss__ you so much and I can’t stand the idea of you walking around hating me. All I was trying to do was what I thought was best. I’m sorry Lena, I’m so incredibly sorry. I shouldn’t have just left you all alone, I should have fought harder for you. I should’ve made sure that you were alright. I’m so sorry.” Kara finished as she desperately wiped at her eyes in an attempt to stem the flow of tears currently spilling over.

 

“I don’t need you, Kara.” Lena’s voice betrayed her, cracking as she spoke and exposing the heartbreak that she felt inside. “I don’t need you to check up on me! I don’t need you to make sure that I’m alright! I’m perfectly capable of being independent!”

 

“I know!” Kara rushed to reassure her. “I didn’t- I just meant that I’m sorry for not being there for you. You don’t need to run away, I’m sorry Lena! I’m here now and I should’ve been there from the beginning I know-”

 

“I don’t need-” Lena interrupted as she began to raise her voice in frustration, fighting hard against the tears building behind her eyes and the harsh lump in her throat.

 

“I need you!” Kara cut her off as her own voice picked up. “You might not need me Lena, but I need you. I can’t do this without you!”

 

“You need me?” Lena asked as she finally lost the battle against the tears building in her eyes, letting them spill over as she stared at the woman in front of her. “And which one of you needs me, exactly? Would that be Kara Danvers? Or would it be Supergirl?”

 

“I-.. I-.. I-..” Kara stuttered as she involuntarily stumbled backwards a few steps at the sheer heartbreak written all over Lena’s face.

 

She felt as though she had taken a kryptonite grenade to her gut as she rapidly tried to process what Lena had said. She __knew.__ Lena knew about Supergirl. She knew that Kara was Supergirl. Lena left because Kara had lied to her about Supergirl. She sold Catco. _Fuck _.__

 

 _ _“__ I didn’t mean-.. I wanted to tell you.. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry” Kara began repeating on a loop.

 

She found herself unable to breathe properly, and all of a sudden it seemed as though the room was violently spinning. The floor swayed beneath her feet as though it were resting on top of a body of water and everything was too much. The walls were closing in rapidly as she clawed at her chest in an attempt to alleviate the pressure that was building. There were too many emotions bubbling up inside of her. Overwhelming guilt about keeping the secret from Lena for so long. Bone deep fear that she had gone too far and Lena would leave her life forever. Joy and love, because despite everything, finally getting to see Lena meant more to her than she could ever express with words. Mostly though, she felt buried under a million tonnes of pure panic.

 

If Lena thought that she had felt heartbroken over the last few weeks, it was absolutely __nothing__ compared to the sight before her now. Of all the things that she had been expecting, of every single potential scenario that she had thought up in her head and made a plan of action for, this had not been one of them. She watched, frozen to the spot as Kara clawed at her chest. Watched with tears running down her face as the woman in front of her slid down the wall and onto the floor, gasping for air as she _still_ stuttered out apologies like a mantra.

 

“ _I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. _”__  Kara gasped for air as she began rocking back and forth on the floor, head buried between her knees as she cupped a hand over each ear in an attempt to block out the overwhelming amount of sounds that her super hearing was currently picking up on.

 

Lena couldn’t take it anymore. Whatever force that had been keeping her rooted to the spot since Kara had unexpectedly walked in the door seemed to have lifted when she registered how much pain that she was so clearly in. Something inside of her switched, like a light had been turned on after living in total darkness for a month. Lena immediately crossed the room and dropped to the floor in front of Kara, hesitating only for a moment before reaching out for her.

 

She knew that Kara had panic attacks. She knew that they were mainly triggered by claustrophobia, but sometimes they just happened. Lena had even witnessed Kara having panic attacks, but never ever anything to this extent. The moment that she felt Kara cling onto her, everything else instantly flew out of the window. Weeks worth of hatred, mainly towards herself, weeks of heartbreak and wondering if she had ever been more than just another Luthor that had to be watched, weeks of second guessing every single thing, it was all gone. Lena didn’t care about anything else other than Kara as she held onto her as tightly as she possibly could.

 

Kara, who was _still_  apologizing through her tears and shallow breathing. Kara, who was clinging onto Lena’s sweatshirt so tightly that she sincerely thought that she was going to tear a hole in it. Kara. Her Kara, her best friend who had held her through her own panic attacks. Kara, who had lost her entire world when she was just thirteen years old. Kara, who now held the weight of this one on her shoulders.

 

“I’m here, I’ve got you. I’ve got you.” Lena’s voice was muffled a little by Kara’s hair as she held her close, but it was loud enough for Kara to hear her anyway. “I’ve got you, Kara. I’m right here. Just listen to my voice, okay? I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

 

It took a long time for Kara to finally calm down to a point where she was able to function and think rationally again. Lena simply held her, gently rocking back and forth as she alternated being shushing and assuring Kara that she was there. When Kara finally settled down, neither of them moved. Lena had pins and needles in her legs from sitting on the floor for so long, and Kara’s breathing was still a little ragged, but it didn’t matter to either of them.

 

“I’m sorry.” Kara weakly spoke up, her voice sounded completely drained. “I’m so sorry, Lena.”

 

“Hey, shh.” Lena cut her off as she squeezed her a little tighter. “We’re going to talk about this, okay? I’m still mad at you, and I have a lot that I need to say, but not today. Alright? We’ll have a long talk, you’ll hear me out and I’ll hear you out and we’ll take whatever actions are necessary so that we can move forward. Together. You’re my favorite person, you know that right? I’m not gonna leave you.” _You’ve already lost so much_ went unspoken. Lena figured that Kara didn’t need a reminder of it all.

 

“Y- You sold Catco because of me.” Kara finally pulled her head out from where it had been buried in Lena’s shoulder, a large wet patch visible on the material of her sweatshirt where she had been crying.

 

“I sold Catco because I’ve been working on a new project for the children’s hospital and I needed the extra funding for the lab work.” Lena told her softly. “I’m not leaving. I just needed some time away to get myself back together. I was hurt, I still am, but I’m not going anywhere. I promise. Like I said, we’ll talk this out, but just not today. It’s already been pretty heavy.”

 

For the first time in in weeks, Lena went to sleep in her own bed back in her apartment in National City. She went to bed at _home._ She was emotionally exhausted, but filled with so much relief that she didn’t mind. The time away had given her exactly what she had needed, and while she had been extremely caught off guard by Kara’s visit, she had been ready for it.

 

They still had a ways to go. There was trust that needed to be rebuilt, conversations that needed to be had and time that was required for healing, but Lena knew in her heart that they would get there. They would rebuild and be better off for it. For now, she was content with the warm body pressed up against her back, arms tightly wrapped around her waist in a way that was so overwhelmingly comforting to her that Lena wanted to cry. They would be okay.

 

_I love you, Lena._

_Will you marry me?_

_We’re having a baby._

__

Four words. Their future could be condensed into four simple words.

**Author's Note:**

> i've been staring at this fucker for weeks and i had to get it posted for my own sanity so that i could finally update my other stuff, thank u for reading <33


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